When I was a kid, in a fit of rage, I screamed at my bullies that one day, I will be on TV and in movies and they’ll see me and they’ll be sorry about how they’ve treated me now.
I grew up. I went on TV and a couple of movies. I have an imdb page. I have achieved the goal. However the ones I screamed that promise to didn’t care about what I have gone out and achieved. They never cared then and they sure as fuck don’t care now.
In between this realization and that screamed statement, I became so focused on achieving the goal that I never really stopped to think about the why. I was doing it because I wanted them to respect me. I wanted them to stop bullying me. I wanted them to see that I was finally, their equal. See, I didn’t want to be better than them, I just wanted to be worthy to be with them. And that…is a dumb fuck reason to be doing anything.
In life, it’s great that we have a goal but I think it is prudent to regularly ask ourselves about the WHY one does what one does. What are your reasons for doing what you do? Are you really doing it for yourself or are you doing it for someone else?
Understanding and reassessing the reason behind your actions can help you also manage your own feelings and reactions to the outcome of the goal. Just because I did become an actress as I said I would, the gratification from it was always lacking. I did award winning films and very popular movies and TV series, however I have always felt that it was still lacking. I went into it because I wanted to be seen but that was not the solution. I needed to heal myself and see myself, rather than allow other people’s perception of me be the standard to my feelings of satisfaction.
I realized that this was not about revenge, per se. What I wanted was for these bullies to come to me, realize that they’ve hurt me and apologize for it. I didn’t need it. I wanted it – there is a difference. I realized that even if they say all those things that I’ve imagined, I won’t be healed; I won’t feel any better because that is not what I need to heal me. I need to heal me and my own expectations and perceptions. So, I changed my goals.
It’s also okay to leave your goals unachieved if you think that they no longer serve you. There should be no guilt. If after you’ve re-checked yourself, and you’ve seen that the goals you’ve set previously isn’t resonating with you anymore, it’s okay to change directions. Remember that this is your life and your story, not anyone’s.
So now, I realized that I love acting. I wanted to be an actress because I wanted to be part of a story that’s being told. I also have discovered that I love working behind the scenes as well. So, I changed directions and started working towards that. Sure, starting from scratch again can have its difficult moments, but they’re difficult, not impossible. I would rather be tired than be resentful.
Impostor syndrome stops when you stop comparing yourself with others and clap for them instead.